before number 40

I have been struggling for a long time with my physical self, although I have not really tried to do anything to remedy it.  After hearing about the DVD, "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead," I am motivated to test Joe's program.  In my Amazon shopping cart, there is a juicer, a book of juices and the DVD.

As I may or may not have stated, I've lost interest in eating--period.  I used to LOVE to eat--more often, bigger meant better as far as portion size was concerned.  I believe this is my body telling me that it needs a break, and what better way than juicing beautiful fruits and vegetables and enjoying their vitamin and mineral-packed liquid offerings!  I also believe that the skin issues I've been suffering with (yet to be correctly diagnosed, even by a dermatologist) are a direct result of my diet.  Maybe I could also lay my insomnia at the feet of eating too many processed foods?  Dull complexion and brittle nails would probably benefit from some liquid nourishment.

The point of this post is:  I want to feel better about my physical self, and if I find that juicing puts some pep in my step and takes a few (hundred) unwanted pounds away, so be it!

My fortune cookie's message

This was a wonderful message to receive, especially since I was at work--the location that I seem to have misplaced my hope.  Ever since I've started working there, I have become very jaded and more distrustful.  Of course, I have to own some of the blame because I allowed it to happen.  I also have to state that society, as a whole, thinks they are entitled to whatever they want, HIPAA law or not.  If I'm not being badgered by people on the telephone demanding information about a patient, I'm being bombarded by requests for their nurse/doctor/some water/a pillow/a blanket/a projected time they can leave...by family members that are present in patient rooms.  No, I am not a cold-hearted bitch by any means, however, my plate overfloweth on any given day, as does those of my co-workers.  For all intents and purposes, we are a County hospital.  We provide care for EVERYONE, insured or not.  Common courtesy, as well as common sense, are not very common.

My point is:  I have to get out of the ED before I lose my shit because of a random, minuscule request.  In order for my heart to allow hope to spring eternal again, I have to remove myself from this setting.

Another kick in the teeth...really? How many more?!?!?!?!

The saying goes something like, 'You can't do the same thing over and over again and expect different results.'  Actually, I believe that's the definition of insanity.  Well, I must be FUCKING CRAZY to keep applying for transfers out of the ED and thinking that I actually have a chance in HELL of succeeding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so beyond pissed and downright devastated that I can't see straight!  Never mind the tears streaming down my face for the last hour since reading the "Thanks, but no thanks" message from HR.

If I had the resources, I'd march my ass in there in the morning and tell 'em all to shove off...then I would!  I'd shove off to a remote cabin or a secluded beach (preferable choice) and not work ONE MORE DAY for another ungrateful company that wouldn't know gold if they were in Ft. Knox.

I give up.............................

oh well!

I have been trying to put myself "out there", so to speak, in terms of trying to meet guys who might like to go out on a date with me.  Admittedly, I was behind the eight ball from the start because my kind of "out there" consists of making a profile on a dating site and browsing through Craigslist ads.  I go to work, I come home--that's what I do.  I'm not a bar fly and don't believe I can meet someone special when they're wearing beer goggles.  I don't belong to any groups, nor do I particularly want to right now.  Like I said, my chances were slim from the start because of my habits.

My point is this:  I'm evidently not ready for my special someone to be in my life.  I have to deal with some self-esteem issues before I can open my heart to an intimate relationship.  That being said, I deleted my dating profile and am going to focus more on me.  I'll still keep loving thoughts in my heart and on my mind, but I'm not going to pursue it as I have been.  He will find me in good time--when I least expect it!

going back to (I'd like to say Cali, but...) work

I've just wrapped up three weeks off from work.  The best perk from my job is that I only had to use six personal days!

What did I learn on my mini-sabbatical?  I learned that I'm very lazy and non-motivated!  Yeah, yeah...I was on vacation.  I still would have liked to accomplish a bit more than I did.

Honorable mentions include:

• a root canal
• replacing the broken crown as a result of said root canal
• an aptitude test for the City and County
• a Sugarland concert
• whipping through the book, "The Help," and going to see the movie
• finding a great book to help me hone my writing so it's salable
• reading...a lot!
• cooking very little
• perfecting the art of 'creative finance'
• not leaving my apartment for days at a time, not even to check the mail

That's enough to get my point across.  Three weeks and what do I have to show for it?  A big, fat zero!!!  Well, maybe a couple of IQ points from all the reading...

Here we go, back to the grind.  I hope tonight doesn't kick my ass!!!