my backstory

I am writing this to give my readers some history before I reveal my covert operation.  Sounds super cool, right?

OMG!

This is my truth, written as an adult looking back on my childhood and being as objective as I can:  I am 41 years old.  I have been married and divorced twice.  Growing up, I didn't know exactly how rough we (I have younger twin brothers) had it.  We were aware that there wasn't extra money for wants, but we almost always had our needs covered.  Our parents were rarely affectionate with any of us.  If I had to describe the situation, I would say they knew they were responsible for raising us and did so to the best of their ability.

Dad always worked and mom stayed home with us until we were teenagers and able to care for ourselves.  She cooked and cleaned like any stay-at-home parent, made treats for our school parties and such.  We participated in the choir in elementary school and I believe my parents attended those concerts.  I played basketball and softball.  Mom sometimes came to my softball games and Dad would often stop by my home games on the way home from work.  I stayed pretty active and was approximately 155 pounds and wearing a size 12 at graduation.

high school pageant

I got engaged in high school and married four months after I graduated.  Of course, we thought we knew it all and that we were ready for marriage.  Needless to say, in six months, my husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore.  Of course, I was devastated!  This revelation literally broke my heart and I didn't know how I would continue living.  My mother-in-law was so loving and sweet to me.  She helped me see that this was not the end of the world and that I would, in fact, go on with my life.  We are still in contact after all these years!

I moved home, quit business college and threw myself into work.  My jobs ranged from babysitting to working in a busy convenience store.  I ate what I wanted, when I wanted and didn't care if any guy was ever interested in me again.  I had started gaining weight after high school and I continued to get bigger every year.  At one point, I joined TOPS, attended meetings at a local church and lost 50 pounds.  I got bored, quit and gained it all back and then some.  Isn't that always how it goes???

Fast forward nine years.  I had won a bit of money in the PA Lottery and bought WebTV.  Back then, it was the least expensive way to access the World Wide Web.  I met a guy online and later moved to NC to be with him.  I believe I was about 275 pounds then and barely squeezing into my threadbare size 24 Levis.  We were married about three years later.

While I didn't partake in most of the Southern comforts, I still gained weight.  I easily passed the 300 pound mark and was popping out of my size 26 pants.  This was the largest size pants I could find in a regular store; I had been wearing men's shirts for years.

My second marriage came to an end after two years.  I moved to Lancaster County and worked my way through another three years.  In that time, my dad died, I stopped communicating with my mother (loooooooong story!), and a host of other things happened.  My dad died as a result of not taking care of his health.  This has always stuck in the back of my mind and I resolved to not let that happen to me.  At that time, I didn't do anything to reverse what I had already done.

I moved to Colorado in 2007.  In 2010, a friend and I decided to join Weight Watchers.  At my initial weigh in, I tipped the scales at 334 pounds.  I was MOR-TI-FIED; this is my highest recorded weight!  I lost a bit of weight, got bored, and guess what?  I quit.

I never knew how to effectively deal with my emotions, so I ate to bury them.  Not dealing with them was my M.O.; I didn't want to initiate any kind of confrontation.  I never stood up for myself.  I never put myself first in any situation.  This is the worst thing I could have done and I have spent oh-so-many years uncovering and dealing with old pain.

pretty heavy in this pic

And here we are!  It's almost the end of 2013, I'm fluctuating between 320 and 325 pounds and I've been really working on myself.  I have FINALLY laid the ground work that will lead to my metamorphosis (my next post).  I'm in a really good place emotionally and mentally.  I have worked out a financial plan and I'm plowing full steam ahead toward the new year and the beginning of a new me.  I feel so good about the decisions I'm making, and thinking about them brings the biggest smile to my face and a radiating warmth to my heart.

most recent full-body pic